Saturday, October 10, 2009

Dreams

It was hard to come to terms with... that first sign that I am not crazy, just very spiritually, and emotionally aware.

It's one thing to dream those dreams, and push them away, blaming the previous night's meal, or the exhaustion that has tainted my life for years. It's another to see those dreams take on a physical manifestation.

I am no prophet.

I don't believe I am given visions of the future in order to attempt to change it... I see the future so that I will be prepared.

I accept this. I accept the future.

I accept what I am.

"And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;"

The darkness has come.








Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cards

It's never about the walls. That's simply a party trick... Tell someone something about themselves that the think they have hidden away, yet shows up in the lines around the eyes, the nails bit to the quick, the moon-shaped semi-permanent marks in the palms of their hands.

We crucify ourselves over and over, everyday.

Tell me one thing, and from that I can draw five or ten more things about you. Things you wanted others to know, but were perhaps afraid to share out of fear of judgement, and scorn.

It's not about the walls, which are really nothing more than houses of playing cards, which I breath gently on, watching bemusedly as they come crashing down, revealing all.

It's about the cards that are hidden under the table, stacked into a small pile, the edges biting into the sweaty flesh of your palms as you grip them, holding on for dear life.

These are the cards that intrigue me the most, the cards detailing your life, the desires, fears, secrets, abhorrances, and wonders.

It's about the cards you clasp in your hands, the Fool on her one way journey, the Magician and High Priestess, intertwined together, bodies moving in unison, bathed in sweat.

It's about the Tower, throwing down upon you Judgement; are you afraid yet young Fool?

It's about your dreams, young Fool, dreams such as the Six of Swords protecting your vulnerable form, while the Pages dance around tapping lightly with their Wands, whispering words of the day the Fool becomes the Hanged Man.

It's these cards, dropping gently from your slack fingers, that I desire most to read and know.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hope...

Hope.

We are raised from birth to believe that hope will open doors, that even when all else is lost; hope is the motivation that brings the near-dead back to life, etc. etc. etc.

However, if I am to be this... thing, I must rid myself of hope. Hope creates a desire in me to be something other than what I am. I must be content with what I am, yes?

We cannot achieve contentment, only accept it.

I know this. But I feel as though a large part of me is fading away, with my loss of hope. My innocence, perhaps, or my compassion... joy... or passion...

But there is a small part of me that has become stronger, because the absence of hope has left me with resolve. I feel more adept at dealing with these incredible people, and entities. However, at what cost to myself?

But the cost to self does not ultimately matter... not as long as we, as a race, are birthed anew.

In place of hope, in place of purpose, I have the strength to accept anything, the resolve to withstand anything.

Ironic.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

No one can know me, so I must know myself...

Three weeks. Three weeks of complete self-destruction and self-doubt. Another chapter in the book regarding my life spent in such periods; if such a book could exist. But it can't. Because I have destroyed every single book journaling such times of my life.

But today is a better day.

Today I began to remember that no matter who exists, they are not me. They cannot be me. Simply because: I am me. Seemingly a simply concept, yet one that is so hard for me to keep a grasp on.

But these periods spent in the self-loathing darknesses are becoming shorter, if not less intense. For that, at least, I am grateful. Weeks instead of months, once months instead of years.

And now I can breathe again.

Remember.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Forgotten

I have forgotten why it matters. Why any of it matters.

I have forgotten the point.

I have lost myself.

And I have forgotten the reason to find myself again.

Because I have forgotten why it matters. Why any of it matters.

I have forgotten the point.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Rascism

They understood not of my suffering, so they claimed it was wrong, or must not have existed.

Truly, are the minds of man so simple, that even when presented with the sufferings of others, they turn away because they themselves have not experienced such pain, offering up validation that no amount of personal suffering can compare to those they have set upon on a pedestal? A pedestal, no less, that is built of guilt and shame of their race or belief that they are somehow superior, therefore must forever worship those once betrayed by those like themselves, those once believed to be inferior...

I shall not bow to the insistence that because of the color of my skin I have somehow led an easier life. I will not bow to the insistence that because once people with my skin viewed themselves as gods, abusing, and murdering those that were different, I must submit myself as somehow inferior, paying for the sins of my ancestors. Their sins are not my sins, and I will not bear the lash for their beliefs or acts. Nor do I expect anyone else to fall to the demands of society, and attempt to gain 'revenge' for those they believed were wronged decades ago.

Yet, the blood of the past forever flows forward through time, coloring, and inhibiting, any chance of equality, of knowledge beyond that of skin, and appearances.

Oh, if only they knew, how they would cry out. A chance at equality, thrown away for the sweet taste of revenge.

Tis the small-mindedness of man.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Essence




















Life.


Life does not come through simple existence.

Life is the moment I feel your breath brush against my skin, the wind upon the earth.

Life is the moment a flame of desire begins to rush through my body, my heart, kindle for it's fire.

Life is the moment we reach for heaven together and a tear slips down my cheek, rain for the weary.

Wind, earth, fire, water, this is life. I am life.

We are life.