The Ascent to Insanity, On the Verge of the End

Already Over Pt. II, -Red

2011-09-26T23:40:00.003-06:00

You never go
Your always here
Beneath my skin
I can not run away
Fading slowly

I give it all to you
Reaching as I fall
Its already over, Already over now

My best defense
Coming to you
I cant resist
Take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I give it all to you
Reaching as I fall
Its already over now
Loving you again
Its already over, Already over now

Your what I reach for when I fall
Its already over

2011-09-17T23:56:00.001-06:00

This is all bull.

I never say what I truly want to say.

Even putting words to the emotions makes them less, makes them little, makes them untrue.

The truest things are those things unsaid.

Behind the Wall

2011-09-17T23:53:00.002-06:00

"Tell me a secret."

My secrets are not behind walls, behind locked doors... my secrets ARE my walls. Tell you a secret, show part of myself that inhibits a clear view of me.

Our secrets are our personal crucifixions, our keys to martyrdom, our doors to release, hiding all the ugliness and shame underneath.

I don't think I'm willing to show whats behind the secrets, behind the walls...

Not yet...

Maybe not ever...

Fissure

2011-08-31T00:31:00.001-06:00

I wish I had something enlightening and earth-shattering, and paradigm-shifting to offer.

But these thoughts are all just the result of recycled emotion, passed from one person from another, past to present to future.

How can I create a new machine when I am no more than a simple cog in the current one?

Hope is a bird, and destiny its cage.

She + I = Me

2011-07-05T12:33:00.002-06:00

With all my abilities with words, with all my insights, it took an outside view to accurately express why I detest "her" so much.

"She" is what people see, what they need, and the only part of me that they want.

**Ding Ding Ding**

The rest of me is simply chaff, unnecessary, disposable...

Yet, it's the "chaff" that is the real me. The part of myself that is weak, that needs support, needs love and affection, and the part in which my insecurities are birthed.

The part that becomes the burden to others, the part they want nothing to do with.

Is it any wonder I fight so heavily against myself?

The Physical Manifestation of Insanity

2011-07-03T23:00:00.003-06:00

I find it completely hilarious that someone Googled "insanity physical manifestation" and found my blog.

I'm not sure why, except that I am feeling a bit manic at the moment. Sure, I can be your physical manifestation of insanity. I can tear my hair out, and run down the street naked, and cut my arms to write nonsensical words all over the walls with my own blood...

Or I can simply be me. Because lately I feel damn fucking crazy.

I don't want to be right. I don't want to be right. I DON'T WANT THAT VALIDATION.

Because I do not think that I am ready to be this. I don't want to be this.

Yet it's the only thing that truly makes me feel alive.

Filled with purpose.

Complete.

Complete sacrifice. Fuck sacrifice.

The air hums with the building chaos, so much so that I have had to shut down on certain levels. Otherwise it would rub me raw, and drive me truly insane, beyond any comprehension.

I used to fantasize about how freeing it would be to be truly insane, to lose all comprehension. But then I had a taste of it, and it was the tightest cage of all.

Suffocating, all-encompassing, terrifying.

So I shall do my best to not return to that place.

But damn if I don't feel on the brink of it right now...

Cycled

2011-04-15T21:37:00.003-06:00

War is coming.

Three years I have known this. Three years I have struggled with my convictions. Three years I have alternated between sweeping these thoughts, truths, into the dark recesses of my mind, and bathing in their harsh, purifying, light.

I feel completely incapable of transforming this fire inside of me into anything of use. I feel powerful, strong, capable, on the inside, until attempts to express it reveal this brick wall between feeling and expression.

This is my war. This is my heart.

This is my conviction.

Yet, who am I?

Is this my cage, or society's bars surrounding me?

Incapable, unable, ill-equipped...

But willing.

Hear me now...

I am willing.

Words

2011-03-28T17:31:00.006-06:00

Interconnectedness... people... like words... strung together to make something, taken apart to mean less...

People, like words, mixing, intertwined, inferring something beautiful, despite the cliches.

I am sure that somewhere in this mixture I am something, something beautiful. But that something is too hidden, too mutated and warped by the words of other people strung around me in a noose, suffocating my every breath.

Too many words, not enough meaning.

I don't even know what I mean.

God is Gracious

2011-02-28T18:26:00.002-07:00

My sin.

Wrapped up and glowing.

Sparkling eyes, pearl teeth, ebony hair.

Not mine.

My sin, taken, and with it, my forgiveness gone.

My validation, my hope, my joy, taken.

My shame remains.

Forever.

2010-11-25T18:59:00.002-07:00

The only thing I have ever successfully done 100% of the time has been to push people away.

No matter how long they purport being "there" unconditionally, everyone has a breaking point. The only thing I am good at is breaking people.

So fuck it. Do what we are best at, yes?

I am only good at two things. Breaking people, and denying myself. So that's all I shall do.

You care? Are you sure you care?

I am so fucking going to prove you wrong.

Pain

2010-11-22T01:35:00.002-07:00

I am beginning to think I just like the pain. The pain that has no beginning, and no end. The pain that I cannot remember ever not feeling, at any point in my life. That is no exaggeration, as long as I have had an idea of "self," I have been a shell in which there is an infinite spindle of pain.

I have wondered at times if the pain is even mine. Can a sense of empathy be so strong that the pain of those around them, both known and unknown, both seen and unseen, can be felt? If so, to what end?

In this regard, I find myself to be the most experienced of those I know. Which means either it is all in my head (well, duh) and completely the result of a loss of reality, or it's some cruel... test from some external being, whatever that may be. How does one with powers beyond those taught in mainstream life, beyond what is typically cultured, or nurtured, learn how to deal?

Powers. Like I'm some sort of superhero. A superhero that can't accomplish anything. More like a sponge, at least in the regard of feeling emotions.

I just... need someone to explain to me what this is, and why I have it, and how I should deal with it. I need a teacher.

Hey, no better than the time now, right?

"Are you going to run away again?"

Is it running away if I am running towards something... something that I don't know or understand?

Despite whatever I leave behind...

Lie

2010-10-26T00:59:00.002-06:00

So, my last, somewhat optimistic, post was a lie.

I'm not ok.

I don't even really know why I am not ok. All I know is when I opened that drawer and saw that box cutter, my instinctual reaction was "Pain! Relief!"

I was never really a cutter. I tried it on three different occasions, the last being 7 years ago. the physical pain never really seemed all that great, and it just brought on attention by unwanted sources. Which turned into me being called a witch. Hey, if cutting myself is all I have to do in order to gain untold power, sign me up.

I don't even have blade scars, they were so shallow.

I haven't really been sleeping much, or well when I do. I have been binging. I have been wishing I could purge. I have been feeling absolutely... lost.

I think on top of this generally shitty past couple of months finding out that school is distant, (if really even likely) threw me over the edge. I can't afford school, I am taking care of someone else again.

Again.

There is no easy answer. There is no real way. Being in a relationship means you do this for each other; but why is it that I am the one that always ends up with the responsibilities? I would love to be babied and coddled, spoiled, and just generally... taken care of.

Yes, this is self-pity. Yes, I abhor it. But I abhor myself more.

Wishing that I had the guts to do something about it all. Wishing that it would have worked all those times before. Wishing I had someone to hold me back, while desiring nothing more than to just free-fall. Wishing that someone would catch me.

Wishing someone would save me.

Au contraire sir, I am alone. Seeing and communicating and believing you know me... it's only a shadow. I am caged, and lost, and very much alone.

Just the way it's supposed to be.

Desire to be Humble

2010-08-30T23:03:00.000-06:00

You will never know these words.

In Conclusion...

2010-08-26T23:32:00.002-06:00

Things that have changed since I started this blog:

I no longer believe in "the one," twin flames, or soul mates.

I am more interested in my logical side, than my emotional side.

I have discovered that "self" is the only being that will always be there. (Typically by my own choice.)

I am beginning to realize that for me, spiritually, intellectualism is a better drug than anything on (or off) the market.

I've identified the biggest driving force in my life up to this point, (the desire to be saved,) and am working to alter that.

I am just now beginning to truly, understand, free myself from the bonds of my upbringing. (This is of course intimately intertwined with my desire to be found worthy of saving, but also branches out into other aspects of self.)

Have lost most, if not all, tolerance for other people's bullshit.

I suppose the point I am attempting to make is that this blog is a record of a time that changed the direction of my life, spiritually, and emotionally, and since I am now in a different phase of my life, writing about the heart offers very little comfort.

I will never take my heart for granted, but it's time to learn a bit more about my mind.

In conclusion:

The heart knows what the mind cannot comprehend, but the mind can take the heart to new places in life.

Gems of Numbness

2009-12-09T17:26:00.001-07:00

The pills seem to glow in the palm of my hand, their centers illuminated by the reflected light, like emeralds being held up to the sun. I can see a different world in the green liquid-like capsules, a world that would encompass me with cold warmth, and allow me float through existence in a bubble, touched by nothing. They are so beautiful.

I sigh, and drop them into the toilet.I won't run carelessly, without a thought, into that world anymore, no matter how tempting the resulting numbness is. It has been more than a year since I last succumbed to the sleepless, numbing, hell-heaven that the pills bring. I refuse to go back to that place without good reason. None of my reasons are good right now.

Dreams

2009-10-10T16:16:00.005-06:00

It was hard to come to terms with... that first sign that I am not crazy, just very spiritually, and emotionally aware.

It's one thing to dream those dreams, and push them away, blaming the previous night's meal, or the exhaustion that has tainted my life for years. It's another to see those dreams take on a physical manifestation.

I am no prophet.

I don't believe I am given visions of the future in order to attempt to change it... I see the future so that I will be prepared.

I accept this. I accept the future.

I accept what I am.

"And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;"

The darkness has come.

Cards

2009-09-09T21:15:00.001-06:00

It's never about the walls. That's simply a party trick... Tell someone something about themselves that the think they have hidden away, yet shows up in the lines around the eyes, the nails bit to the quick, the moon-shaped semi-permanent marks in the palms of their hands.

We crucify ourselves over and over, everyday.

Tell me one thing, and from that I can draw five or ten more things about you. Things you wanted others to know, but were perhaps afraid to share out of fear of judgement, and scorn.

It's not about the walls, which are really nothing more than houses of playing cards, which I breath gently on, watching bemusedly as they come crashing down, revealing all.

It's about the cards that are hidden under the table, stacked into a small pile, the edges biting into the sweaty flesh of your palms as you grip them, holding on for dear life.

These are the cards that intrigue me the most, the cards detailing your life, the desires, fears, secrets, abhorrances, and wonders.

It's about the cards you clasp in your hands, the Fool on her one way journey, the Magician and High Priestess, intertwined together, bodies moving in unison, bathed in sweat.

It's about the Tower, throwing down upon you Judgement; are you afraid yet young Fool?

It's about your dreams, young Fool, dreams such as the Six of Swords protecting your vulnerable form, while the Pages dance around tapping lightly with their Wands, whispering words of the day the Fool becomes the Hanged Man.

It's these cards, dropping gently from your slack fingers, that I desire most to read and know.

Hope...

2009-09-01T21:07:00.003-06:00

Hope.

We are raised from birth to believe that hope will open doors, that even when all else is lost; hope is the motivation that brings the near-dead back to life, etc. etc. etc.

However, if I am to be this... thing, I must rid myself of hope. Hope creates a desire in me to be something other than what I am. I must be content with what I am, yes?

We cannot achieve contentment, only accept it.

I know this. But I feel as though a large part of me is fading away, with my loss of hope. My innocence, perhaps, or my compassion... joy... or passion...

But there is a small part of me that has become stronger, because the absence of hope has left me with resolve. I feel more adept at dealing with these incredible people, and entities. However, at what cost to myself?

But the cost to self does not ultimately matter... not as long as we, as a race, are birthed anew.

In place of hope, in place of purpose, I have the strength to accept anything, the resolve to withstand anything.

Ironic.

No one can know me, so I must know myself...

2009-08-04T22:53:00.003-06:00

Three weeks. Three weeks of complete self-destruction and self-doubt. Another chapter in the book regarding my life spent in such periods; if such a book could exist. But it can't. Because I have destroyed every single book journaling such times of my life.

But today is a better day.

Today I began to remember that no matter who exists, they are not me. They cannot be me. Simply because: I am me. Seemingly a simply concept, yet one that is so hard for me to keep a grasp on.

But these periods spent in the self-loathing darknesses are becoming shorter, if not less intense. For that, at least, I am grateful. Weeks instead of months, once months instead of years.

And now I can breathe again.

Remember.

Forgotten

2009-07-29T22:33:00.002-06:00

I have forgotten why it matters. Why any of it matters.

I have forgotten the point.

I have lost myself.

And I have forgotten the reason to find myself again.

Because I have forgotten why it matters. Why any of it matters.

I have forgotten the point.

Rascism

2009-07-21T22:02:00.002-06:00

They understood not of my suffering, so they claimed it was wrong, or must not have existed.

Truly, are the minds of man so simple, that even when presented with the sufferings of others, they turn away because they themselves have not experienced such pain, offering up validation that no amount of personal suffering can compare to those they have set upon on a pedestal? A pedestal, no less, that is built of guilt and shame of their race or belief that they are somehow superior, therefore must forever worship those once betrayed by those like themselves, those once believed to be inferior...

I shall not bow to the insistence that because of the color of my skin I have somehow led an easier life. I will not bow to the insistence that because once people with my skin viewed themselves as gods, abusing, and murdering those that were different, I must submit myself as somehow inferior, paying for the sins of my ancestors. Their sins are not my sins, and I will not bear the lash for their beliefs or acts. Nor do I expect anyone else to fall to the demands of society, and attempt to gain 'revenge' for those they believed were wronged decades ago.

Yet, the blood of the past forever flows forward through time, coloring, and inhibiting, any chance of equality, of knowledge beyond that of skin, and appearances.

Oh, if only they knew, how they would cry out. A chance at equality, thrown away for the sweet taste of revenge.

Tis the small-mindedness of man.

Essence

2009-07-15T20:48:00.006-06:00

Life.

Life does not come through simple existence.

Life is the moment I feel your breath brush against my skin, the wind upon the earth.

Life is the moment a flame of desire begins to rush through my body, my heart, kindle for it's fire.

Life is the moment we reach for heaven together and a tear slips down my cheek, rain for the weary.

Wind, earth, fire, water, this is life. I am life.

We are life.

Intertwined

2009-07-11T23:48:00.003-06:00

Intertwined: past, present, and future.

This is the true meaning of insanity, yet all I find is freedom.

Societal norms are meant to be cages, and while I function within those norms, I can escape them, simply by seeing the quintessential nonsense. Which it all is. Money, materialism, time, even the bonds of family, and the resulting obligatory relationships, all accepted as necessary, and good. Freedom in a cage, in chains.

I can partake of the best of those, if I choose, or simply watch those that do. I am no longer simply the participant, but the observer.

I am simply in this universe, not of it.

I have remembered, and I have realized.

Insanity, yes, but such freedom.

Memory

2009-07-11T23:32:00.002-06:00

So tell me your name (tell me your name)

Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all? (or anything at all)
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel (I wanna feel)
I want a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive (to know I'm alive)

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me, do you believe? (do you believe)
And do you know, that every day's
The first of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

So don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts
'Bout the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to
When no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends
'Cause I just don't wanna know,
No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
-Thriving Ivory

I could sense Him inside the cave as I rested my head against the cool stone that covered the opening. Though the cave walls were thick, and held back most of His raw energy, the thread that connected the two of us, spiritually and mentally, pulsed with his power and anger. I could feel His hatred of me, flowing through the connection and writhing behind my eyes. So strong, it made it hard for me to think clearly, or to breathe normally.

“Areo,” Tynus placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to do this. Let me and some of the others go in and restrain him for you. You can speak to him, without fear of him harming you. Perhaps then you can bring sense to him.” His hand tightened on my shoulder. “Please, I beg you, don’t do this alone.”

With a deep breath, I gently shook Tynus off. “No, only I can do this, I must go in alone. He will kill the rest of you otherwise. This way you will be safe. “ I plastered a false smile on my face. “I will… be okay,” I lied. I knew what was to come; I had seen it years ago. I didn’t want any of my people hurt, and if they went in with me, they most certainly would become His pawns.

“Seal the entrance after I go in,” I gestured to Tynus, “do not let anyone follow. “ I grasped his chin, and pulled his head up to look at me. “That includes you.” Tynus pulled away, and shook his head, but gestured to the others, and together they began to move the stone away from the opening of the cave.

As they worked, I turned and took in the beauty of the evening sky. Though the coming nightfall caused the sky to be a rich, velvety, dark blue, gold and pink laced the horizon, streaming from the setting sun. Life. It was beautiful.

As soon as the stone was rolled away enough for me to fit through the opening, I stepped inside, turning to watch as the last of the day’s light was blocked out by the heavy stone.

I was alone now, alone with Him.

…

The cave was not dark, as I had expected, because a pool of light seeped around the corners, from what I assumed was the main cavern. That was probably where He was.

I began to slowly make my way through the narrow tunnel, sticking close to the shadowed walls, and hunched to avoid the low ceiling. I could hear a low chanting, and I fought to keep my focus as the thread that connected me to Him began to shimmer with a bright gold in my mind’s eye. He knew I was here, and He was taunting me. That gold, once so light, and pure, represented the force that intertwined through our connection, binding us for eternity. He was mocking not only me, but the part of himself that he viewed as weak.

I reached the main cavern, and slowly stepped out of the shadows of the tunnel. His back was turned to me, and as I inched towards him, he turned. Though he was so dark, both in a physical and spiritual sense, I yearned to reach out and touch him, but I was too afraid to. His eyes were different, darker, sadder, mistrusting, and overflowing with anger. The side that had so long been controlled was now taking over his calm, once gentle, demeanor.

It had been months since I last saw Him, since He last wrapped his arms around me, and looked down into my eyes, and with caresses of words and lips, whispered His love for me. Even now, I remembered the feel his last touch, His hand along the line of my cheek, and the feel of the line of His jaw against my hand.

Now, after so long, He was once again before me. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into His arms, and demand that He hold me, and not let me go, until I was satiated with his scent, his words, and his breath. But I held back, fearing not only his anger, but his eyes; so cold, his eyes.

I tore my gaze away, glancing around the room in an attempt to give myself a moment to collect my thoughts. He left you, I reminded myself. I needed to remember the pain, the days of emptiness, the nights of tears, with only the safety of my people to force me to take steps into each day. I needed to focus on the mental wall against the past hurts of this man, this soul, that I have loved for so long.

I had seen this before. I had known this. I had known the pain of losing him, losing my love. Was it destined to happen again?

Were we forever doomed to continuously lose each other, out of guilt, or even the need to protect the other?

Would this truly result in my death? I would have my answer, to that question at least, tonight.

Vulnerable

2009-06-11T21:16:00.002-06:00

There was an onslaught today.

I haven't felt that violated since I left it all, four years ago.

Perhaps it is my apprehension towards others that are spiritually powerful. Perhaps it is the organized aspect of it all. Perhaps it is because I allowed myself to become vulnerable to someone that I didn't know. From beginning to end, the sensation was constantly there, the knocking, the searching for a weakness, waiting to strike.

So similar to that it claims to be against.

Yet I allowed it, nearly desired it.

So much of me desires someone to understand completely, not just the extent of my potential, but my fears of reaching that potential.

So I write. I mention little aspects of this world to people here and there. And I wait for someone to be intelligent enough, or spiritual enough, to put it all together.

But that wont happen, because I am too restrained. I am too much in control.

This is simply the very tip of my existence. If anyone knew the true extent, they would go insane attempting to understand, forever lost in the mazes and rooms that I have created.

Protection. For, and against, myself.

So they call me strong. Yes, I am strong, because I have never met another being that could withstand or control these worlds.

But I am so much in control that I don't know if I could let go, and let it seduce me completely, this power of mine...

So complete

So freeing

So terrifying

As is, me.

Two

2009-05-25T15:20:00.003-06:00

These parallel worlds of mine, the physical, the spiritual, are much too close to colliding. Of course, in the fact that they can collide means that they are no longer parallel. Not the point.

My life has been spent balancing these two worlds, keeping them apart, ensuring that a wall is kept up between the two. I suppose if I had started this in the recent past, it would be difficult to keep a balance; instead, it is neither hard, nor easy. It just Is.

Or Was.

Now I am struggling to keep them apart, with the understanding that soon they will have to collide and mesh. I am also struggling with the part of me that does not accept any of this as logical, and the part of me that sees beyond the world of logic.

Head versus heart.

I've acknowledged, to some degree, what I am.

But the battle inside continues to wage, continues to rage on in a full, fiery, bloody, mess. One that calls for either my self-destruction, or complete self-acceptance. However, complete self-acceptance requires the destruction of my life as I know it, the life that I am physically comfortable in, the life that allows me to wallow in denial.

An endless cycle.

And yet, this battle of self has already been decided. In fact, events are already taking place because of that choice. I know my purpose, my reason for existence. I will not deny the true part of me. I suppose I simply find refuge in the illusion that I still have a choice, though the choice was made so long ago.

Mirrors

2009-05-23T13:04:00.003-06:00

I do not like admitting what I am.

I have spent my whole life observing everything around me, continually calculating every action, every word. Because of this, I can appear normal to an extent. I can appear to be just an eccentric, intelligent, person that tends to come at situations at an angle that many don't understand. Quirky, yes. But still somewhat normal.

It's all a facade, an act. The greatest act.

Different kinds of people like me because I am exactly what they want. I am a mirror for people's desires, of every kind. People see only what they want to see, which allows me to be what they want, and hide what I truly am.

Someday soon, though, I wont have to hide anymore. The mirrors can come crashing down, and I will be seen for exactly what I am.

I am terrified of that moment.

Completely, absolutely, terrified...

The Destruction of Self, from Within

2009-05-07T21:36:00.002-06:00

It's light, at first, similar to satin being run gently along my skin. Part of me acknowledges It's presence, but the mundane day-to-day activities continue. It begins in the peripheral part of my awareness, planting It's lethal seed, preparing for It's eventual battle.

Days go by. The slight awareness fades, comforted by the lack of intensity of this episode. Everything will be all right, everything is under control this time.

It, however, continues to slide itself through me, tinting the mental spaces that are rarely visited, and the thoughts that are considered only in moments of weakness. Taking refuge in the deepest parts of me, It waits. Waits for the moment that It can overtake, overcome, destroy. With the patience of a Zen master, It waits.

The moment comes when I dare to consider one of those weak thoughts, dare to allow myself to feel the pain of that loss, that action that I would give so much to go back and change.

With this foray into the absolute, most secret, center of myself, I breach the walls that hold my sanity in place, the walls that allow me to go from day to day with hope, and even, occasionally, happiness. The walls that allow me to believe that I am safe from It.

And it is here that with a roar so loud it is silent, It attacks. Unprepared for the brutality of the assault, and beyond the walls that offer comfort, and peace, I have no protection. It invades every buttress, every tunnel, every room that I once found safe, and I am overcome with a darkness so black, so thick, so complete, that all light I once held, so preciously, was extinguished immediately.

It flows through my essence, my entire being, turning my blood into tar, coating the inside of my veins, clogging the orifices of my vulnerable heart, seeping through to my skin. It causes each breath to bring tears, from a pain so deep, so vivid. Never sharp, always dull, cutting, cutting, cutting, forcing itself into my thoughts of everything, twisting my perception so completely that I can find no good in myself. Even the consideration of those that I love offers multiple reasons to the case of my destruction. The beauty I once found in myself only serves as a mirror to that in me that is twisted, and broken, beyond repair.

Something so completely evil as this, the darkness that has invaded me so thoroughly that It has become Me, something such as this needs to be destroyed.

I need to be destroyed.

This is It's will, It's desire.

I must be destroyed.

The destruction of Self, from within.

Irony of Humanity

2009-04-10T21:21:00.001-06:00

Thought:

The majority of problems happen because we are naturally selfish creatures that expect others to have altruistic motives.

Forboding...

2009-04-10T21:18:00.000-06:00

For the past few weeks, I have felt suspended in time, suspended somewhere between the past year, and whatever may come.

I know there are a lot of things happening right now that I don't see, and I try to take comfort in this fact, but the waiting is irrefutably wearing me down. I often find myself wondering if I will forever be frozen in this state of transition, forever feeling as though I am in overdrive, preparing for something that may never happen.

I suppose I should be using this period of time better, exercising more, and learning various things that I may need to know, but I even though part of me knows beyond any doubt that this will happen, there is still so much of me that is in denial, so much of me that just wants everything to be "normal."

Either this will happen, or it wont. How do I prepare myself to face the two extremes of that? I have to fully focus on preparing for one, but what if that outcome is the one that doesn't happen? Then I am left blundering through the one that I was unprepared for.

I see this image in my head, one that has just recently fleshed itself out, and I can't see anything besides that actually happening. It is this outcome that scares me the most, the one I should be preparing for the most, the one that will take everything I have. I should trust this instinct that I have become so aware of this past year, but it is this terrifying outcome that it is telling me to prepare for, and because it is the one outcome I don't want, I try to pretend as though I don't have a feeling about this at all.

Yet another fork in this river of my life, another choice that I must make. You would think by now I would have learned from the past, and would make my decision before I crash, instead of trying to stave off the inevitable.

Now is truly the time to decide.

I should listen to myself.

Will All Go Away

2009-03-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

I have written this before.
And I know that you are still here, still watching.

But I don't know why.

If it's all been frozen, then what use am I to you now?

Does manipulation go beyond the human-mind as well, then?

WHY are you still HERE?

You want blood, proof that I can sacrifice... proof that I am worthy.

But I didn't choose this, you chose me.

You know what I am capable of...
... perhaps it is for proof to myself, then?

So these past few months of hesitation... does that prove you wrong?

Doesn't that prove that I have no idea what the fuck I am doing?

Everyone has their own agenda... human or otherwise. I am not naive to this fact. I understand that through "choosing" me, for whatever bizarre reason (the reason that you gave is still a little too unbelievable...) you are helping yourselves, as well as us.

A vested interest... an important one, it seems, with the necessity to sacrifice much of one's self, in so many different ways... certainly there is someone that has just as much ability, as well as more self-assurance, that could be chosen.

But I wont let you go, will I?

Because I still haven't fully committed. Even as far as I have come, I still haven't fully committed.

And time is running out.

I am trapping you, just as you are trapping me...

If I choose not to do this, then I die along with the rest. If I do...

Perhaps living will be so, so, much worse.

Is there truly any escape from destiny... this chosen life, or death...

No matter how much I run, it never changes.

No point in running... yet I don't feel that going into this commitment with resignation is good either...

So trapped, we both stay...

For now.

Time's running out...

Birth of Death

2008-12-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Allow me this peace
Embrace this feast
The horrors of fate,
A fallen gate.

Allow us this song,
March along, here-gong.
Forget the eyes,
Beauty gone, so long.

Nomadic Soul

2008-12-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

Out.
I need out.
There isn't enough inside, and the culmination of lack of energy, and peace makes me want to hurt.
I want to wander.
Flow from place to place.
Freedom.

It will have to be done, at some point.
I feel it.
I yearn for it.

Come with me?

Last Moment

2008-09-24T01:13:00.000-06:00

Culmination
Fire red and blue
Walking the path,

it led to you

Seeing, feeling, comprehending...
It all falls into place.

Here I am
Just one last moment
Until my eyes
see.

The ultimate.
The only.
My heart.

You.

One- Lamb

2008-09-21T15:13:00.001-06:00

:D

One

Here’s a story
Of lover’s finding
Union so deep
There is no unwinding
Tender threads exquisitely finding
Two lives together
One soul deep resounding

Love so strong whatever the weather
Even apart our souls are together
It’s you and me, babe, forever and ever
Even apart we’re dreaming together

One, one

Suddenly all time and space
Loses it’s meaning when I see your face
And I’m wrapped up in heaven’s grace
Feeling so safe in your sweet embrace

One, one, one, one ...

Seconds ticking...

2008-09-21T13:25:00.000-06:00

My love...

To know you are so close... to know you see the same stretch of sky, the same mountains that I do... is all at once peaceful, and heartbreaking.

Peaceful, to know the distance is so little, to know that it will be soon that I am in your arms, finally.

And heartbreaking to know that you are there, and I am not.

I woke up shaking this morning... needing you so much. Whether influenced by dreams, or something else, I don't know, but it was as though the need was slicing through me like a blade.

So soon... so soon.

Heart Words

2008-09-13T10:50:00.000-06:00

Encompass.
Fear the fallen, the falling.
Find no substance in things seen.
Entrapment.

Unbound.
Feather light whisper,
Gathering thoughts find threads.
Untold.

Sainted.
Heart, to see the things you refuse
Mind broken between realities.
Sold.

Beloved.
Dainty traces of blood
Fathom not the tricked lifeless soul.
Buried.

Until

Found.
Devouring essence of wind and tree
Glistening hope, two of one.
Free.

-

2008-09-11T10:15:00.000-06:00

Devour me.

Thought...

2008-09-09T15:28:00.001-06:00

I can't believe how you do it...

To simply see me, to know my flaws, and love me despite them, to make me smile and laugh, to soothe my insecurities, whatever they may be, with patience unmatched...

You are incredible.

Never forget, my love, that no matter how thick the air becomes with the demand of your path, no matter how far you may wander and explore, that my heart is yours, that it beats for you, and you alone, and that I love you, with everything I am, and forever will.

Was... and Shall be Again

2008-09-09T05:31:00.000-06:00

Dreamed...

I was with you again.
Second time it's been like that.
And again, I can't remember it clearly... nothing more than vague images, strong emotions left over, and hazy bursts of brilliant color.

But I was with you. I was in your arms, so loved, so protected, content.
Then flying together... the rush... the brilliant red and purple sky from the setting sun.

I was with you... only to wake to find that I am not now.

It hurts.

But soon.
Soon.

It's building...
waves...
desire...
need.

About to crash, about to crash.

Much longer without you...
I can't go.

Soon.
Soon.

to Remember

2008-09-07T05:32:00.000-06:00

No matter the distance,
no matter the pain,

I must remind
my humanity again.

Without one,
the other not

Beginning and end
of destiny sought.

Even in loss of mind
and gain of soul,

You I will find,
one that makes me whole.

Destiny demands
no need to fight,

No matter how dark,
seems the night.

For as one we began,
though two we became,

My heart does know,
we will end the same.

Forgive my weakness,
tears of the physical,

Sometimes overcome with fear,
of the path spiritual.

But in your words,
I gather strength for now,

Far from you,
As fate has seen fit to allow.

Words for now,
soon strength in touch,

'Til destiny's demand be met,
thus the ability to endure so much.

Then through that dark,
fear will not, cannot smother,

For no matter the distance,
eternal love will guide the other.

Ah, mi amor...

No, not in the cycles or spirals
will we be caught.

For we have found the beginning and end...
of our destiny sought.

To End Duality...

2008-09-06T19:00:00.000-06:00

Need you...

No matter...
Come what may...

What is strength when one is alone?
No matter the completeness of your being, without the other, it is all for not.

Even the complete fury and power of the wind...
Needs something physical, to be lethal.

Without the physical world, the spiritual world is nothing.
When one dies, the other is lost.

As am I without you.

Complete.
Me.

With you.

Then two became one, and one to none.

Spiraling out.

Science Fiction

2008-09-04T03:42:00.001-06:00

Mi amor...

Here is a story of sorts, an unrequested insight of me, lol.

I have come to realize why I have preferred "real world" stories, versus science fiction.

Books such as Pride and Prejudice, or Pillars of the Earth, allow me to see humanity through others eyes, not just my own.

Science fiction, of any sort, causes self-reflection, causes introspection, something that until recently, I have not allowed myself to delve into, besides in considering how I am different than most humans, however fictitious they may be. Because, all too frequently, I relate more with creatures that experience things beyond the human world, than I do with the humans in other types of fiction.

Self introspection leads to acceptance of what I am, and what I have the ability to be. And I have believed that will lead dangerously close to losing any and all grip on my humanity, and perhaps therefore, my sanity.

I've been teetering on this line my entire life... attempting to define the two worlds I see, the two realities. There are points that I've attempted to build up defenses, and walls against the world that no one else seemed to be aware of, and in doing so, betrayed myself, my abilities, which always led to complete despair.

Where music for some open up parts of themselves that they have been previously unaware of, or unable to acknowledge, I have books. These little worlds set onto page, the people, the problems, all on the verge of being real to me. Each story I read isn't just a view into the life of a fictional character, it's a taste of an experience, however sad, or joyous it may be.

With my ability to focus, each story becomes a near vision for me, in how clearly I can see things.

Because of this, I have immersed myself in books that deal with the reality that most people lead their lives experiencing. Historical fiction, where facts intertwine with imaginations, where I can experience the absolute devastation and hope of a world that once stood where I stand now. "Chick-Lit", where I can experience the joys of being female, without the constant beckoning of the a world unseen. Even mysteries, where one can be facing a death in some manner, undiluted by spiritual paths, and failures of.

But then there is science fiction. All deal in worlds unseen, unknown, mostly works of authors imaginations... yet much too real to me. They force me to confront the side of my world that I have fled from nearly my entire life, to consider it, forcing it to become too real.

And it can only hurt you if it's real.

Yet, despite the years of wall building, the lines drawn, the boundaries left to become overgrown, and impassable, the part of myself that I left immature, and inexperienced refused to die. Instead it grew, became such a force of energy that with one glimpse, a few days of introspection, it broke through every wall, and pulled me into a world that I had tried so hard to keep at bay.

Attempts at rebuilding the walls that kept my two worlds separate turned into physical battles, and I began to overdose on a weekly basis, drinking until I couldn't think straight, and desiring, once again, to die.

Slowly, and with my failures in the physical world mounting... failed relationships, and financial loss, I began to realize that I had no real choice for happiness, except to begin to accept this other world, so unexplored, so dangerous from my lack of knowledge.

My first action of such was to come here. I felt a need to be here, and despite the fact that I assumed it was because of that person, I realize now that perhaps it was just a self-justification. There was always a part of me that knew nothing would happen with that person, he was too shallow... another one like the last. But no matter the cause, I came here. And in this physically unfamiliar place, I began to learn about my spiritually unfamiliar world. I began to accept the ones speaking to me, the things so unseen, yet always there.

When that person finally came clean about his fears of being with me, I nearly let it destroy my new desire to explore and accept this spiritual world. I had taken a physical action based on my first large step into this other world, and because of my insistence of believing that it was because of that person that I should be here, I considered it a failed action.

This led to what Jen and I now refer to as "Hell Week." It started on a Saturday, with Alex's lack of "testicular fortitude" action in which he messaged me on myspace to tell me that he didn't want to have a relationship.

That night, I started by downing 7 Nyquil, and drinking a Smirnoff Ice. I knew it wouldn't kill me... because of years, and the more recent months that I had spent attempting an overdose death, but I knew it would knock me out. And it did. When I woke up 4 hours later, I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I was blank. I wasn't happy, but I was hurting either. I told J. what I had done, and she was shocked that I was awake. Though you'll have to ask her for sure, I don't think I actually said much, moved much, or responded much, to anything she said or did, but I was awake.

When I realized that the pills had the ability to not make me feel, I immediately looked for more. I had Jen buy them for me, along with the alcohol. I never allowed more than a couple hours to go by without taking at least two. This is how I spent that week. Awake, but always with the sensation that I was floating, that I wasn't really in my body, just somehow chained to it... perhaps I would have died, had it not been for Her.

And it is during this time that you began to message me.

And through the periods of time between our emails, before we actually began talking much, I began to realize that this world was not going to go away. I was here for a reason, and it wasn't Alex. It was for me, so that I could accept what I truly am, so that it could begin to wash over me, heal me, and let her and I grow as one.

Everything... all of that pain, that soul searching...

it all had a reason.

Because of my action in coming, because of my final acceptance, and decision to no longer resist, that I am this, ("this" still being unnamed), I was able to discover you.

The one I have waited for.

As we have both said... without you, I am nothing.

I get the feeling sometimes that this is only the tip of the iceburg... that perhaps there is so much more love, and joy, and peace, to come... and yes, perhaps bad as well.

As long as I have your love, I can endure all.

I love you.

Began reading a sci-fi novel... lol...

Truly, the acceptance has begun.

Me.

2008-08-29T22:09:00.000-06:00

The duality
of me...

Emotion, heart...

Logic, mind

This is I.

I know.

I have known.

But accepting that I know...

That is where I struggle.

She... this part of me... has always been here.

She is me.

She is me, but I am not her.

Not yet.

But she...
She is why I can see, see the essence of people, see them as they really are.
She is the reason that those that are older, and those that are younger, are especially drawn...

She is the nature in me... why wild areas of ground, with trees, and earth, have always felt like home.

She is why I can feel the energy in the thunderstorms, feel the air thick with purpose.
She is why I can feel the cleansing in the rain.
She is why I feel the acceptance of the sun.

Things everyone feels, yes?

She is why I can love.
Can always love.

Why I have been hurt so much...
Why there are times I fear...

Yet still can open up... can love.

Love you.

Need you.
Want you.
Desire, yearn...

Because of her, I am strong enough for you...

She's always there, always waiting.
Wild, and beautiful, and bright,
compassionate, emotional, pure.
Giving.
Strong.

All ways people have described me...
even as far as "an angel."

Not me.

There are times I detest her.
Why didn't I die?
The years of attempts...
The simple desire...
The depression, the blackness, the despair.
But no, I had to suffer through it, because of her.

But I did make it through.

Because of her.

So extreme... how is it that I came about to have her?

Be this?

Be her?

It's insanity, that I even refer to myself like this...

Me

Her

There is too much distinction between the two of us...
Too much I feel that I don't understand.

Because I don't always let her through...
Were I to do that...

I would know.
I would understand.

But the ramifications of such an act...
I am nothing.
Nothing to be able to handle this.
Nothing.

Normal.

Human.

Frail.

Bound.

Strong.

Bound.

Free.

The door to cage.
The merger of the two sides of me.

Destiny.

God I am so fucking insane.
War within, no?

Acceptance...

Existence...

Life.

Destiny

2008-08-28T18:04:00.000-06:00

It's in every crevice, every pore.
It's completes me, fills me to the core.
I reach out a hand, to open the door,
Here to take a chance once more.

Alerted by sense of purpose, more than sound
They hunch their backs, and turn 'round.
Circling, hissing, not sure what they've found,
I resist the urge to drop to the ground.

My heart beats, sporadically.
Still they think me to be heavenly.
I sense their urge to destroy savagely,
My soul they desire, completely.

As I stare into their eyes, my skin begins to burn.
Pain rolling over me, my mind unable to discern,
The air, once so clear, begins to churn.
Is this real, will clarity ever return?

Despite the pain, a forward step I take.
For love, this action I must make.
Through the creatures I move for both our sake,
My heart, I know, they cannot take.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Destiny is the door to death.
Yet I follow it with each breath.
Afraid to lose all I hold dear,
Seemingly strong I appear.
Crushing me, the clock ticks away.
It cannot be here that I stay.
My path inbred, my course designed,
Perhaps when the planets aligned.

Struggling with uncertainty, fear
"Part of the machine, just a gear."
No matter death or life, even to stray,
Destiny, destiny will have it's way.

To be normal, to shrug off this coat of fate,
Temptation has begun to saturate.
Yet clinging to need, clinging to desire,
Perhaps like this, I will end up in fire.
Thoughts awry, but heart so clear,
Feeling that it will be worth every tear.

To be nothing, to be everything,
Pain I know this path will bring.
Knowledge warring with need,
To which of these will I concede?

Screaming, yearning, "take my hand,
Fly with me, see the land."
Desire of one, necessity of all,
I falter, hesitating to answer the call.
Yet I know I have already accepted,
That which has come to be expected.
For no matter the fear, no matter the pain,
It will be love, and destiny, to gain.

Perhaps with Knowledge Comes Self-Destruction...

2008-08-27T19:53:00.000-06:00

“Suppose that we are wise enough to learn and know and yet not wise enough to control our learning and knowledge, so that we use it to destroy ourselves? Even if that is so, knowledge remains better than ignorance. It is better to know even if the knowledge endures only for the moment that comes before destruction than to gain eternal life at the price of a dull and swinish lack of comprehension of a universe that swirls unseen before us in all its wonder. That was the choice of Achilles, and it is mine, too.”

-Isaac Asimov

Physical Manifestation of Desire

2008-08-27T18:08:00.000-06:00

Ah mi amor...

I miss you.

I have run out of words, to express my desire for you. I just want you, need you. It is a burning that starts deep in my chest, similar to the tightness that I get when I am repressing tears. Sometimes it spreads, reaching my arms, making me yearn to touch you, be touched by you. On a few occasions it threatens to consume me completely, which causes me to shake at times, and I feel that if touched, each touch might result in a spark.

I have never experienced such a need as this... such a desire.

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to it, how to deal with it, lol.

Again I ask... how do you do this to me?

Circles of Doors

2008-08-25T05:40:00.001-06:00

Mi amor...

I know I promised to sleep, and I attempted to, though it was not long, nor was it peaceful.

At home, mornings always seem so bright, offering so much hope. Perhaps it is a state of mind, rather than the actual environment... but here... the mornings are so dreary. In the morning, there is such a sense of walking through a dream that sometimes I have to seriously question whether or not I am awake.

After last night, and the surrealism that was involved in that conversation, the sense that I wasn't speaking entirely to you, not just you... I suppose I am not surprised at the lack of ability to sleep. The feeling that I got during that conversation still hasn't entirely dissipated, and that along with the dream-like state of the morning... I have begun to analyze everything too much, but I feel as though it's all through... a confused state of mind.

I suppose this is where meditation would come in, but every time I close my eyes, my body starts to tingle, and I start feeling like I am about to be consumed.

I have this mental image that in all of your warnings last night... it was as though we are both standing at this door... and your hand is on the handle, and I am waiting for you to open it, because it's what is needed, but you hesitate, because you know what' s on the other side. I know that once that door is open there is no going back, and yes, part of me is afraid of that, which is natural I suppose. But though I may not quite understand the extent of what could possibly happen, I do know it's what I need. And perhaps what you need...

One thing I don't understand though... okay, among the many things... you see my ruination, or a level of it, at least, as a result of this door being opened. You are afraid of hurting me, yes, but there is something more there. Why wont you tell me everything you see? Is it because it's only for you to know? Are you afraid of pushing me away?

Alright, this is where it is probably going to turn into babble... because the thoughts aren't entirely making connections in my head... perhaps lack of sleep, lol.

If you are afraid of pushing me away, is it because you need me?
Am I becoming another burden for you to handle? If so, is it one you are willing to take?
And why would you be willing to take on such a burden, among the ones that you already have?
And essentially... are you sure?

I will tell you this... once that door is open... I will need you more than even now. My own warning, perhaps.

I know that once the door is open, what will be, will be. I think you know something that you are afraid may make me rethink my decision to do this...

Why not tell me?

Okay okay, lol. Circles.

Alright, enough brain-rest-deprived analyzing ... lol.

I just need you to be sure.

I know that you love me... the fact that you would even be a little willing to open this door, to do this for me, is proof enough of that.

But am I enough for you?

Inevitability

2008-08-24T11:48:00.001-06:00

Mi amor,

I am sitting in the sunshine, thinking of you, longing for you.

I realized this morning that I am going to lose you. Silly realization, yes, and one I have considered before... but the thing that shocks me, is that I am at peace with this fact. Even if I lose you now, having never been able to touch you, to feel your skin against mine, to feel our hearts beat together... the pain that would come, even now, it's already worth everything you have made me feel.

This fact scares me a little. What if it means you will be taken from me sooner? God, the pain just the thought brings...

How can you already mean so much to me?
How could this, in two weeks, have already overcome everything that I have ever felt?
How can you be so powerful?
How is it that I have the honor of you love?
It amazes me.

The intensity of these emotions, it's like riding a wave. An endless wave of love, passion, desire, longing... and need, both spiritually, and physically. I know the risk of falling under and drowning is not only great, but perhaps even likely, and I don't care.

I feel alive.
More than I ever have before.

I don't know what is going to happen. I see possibilities... I see possibilities of so much fear, and destruction, and death...

Sitting here in the sunlight, well, it only makes the possibilities seem even closer, even more likely. There is so much... warning... everywhere.

A resignation of nature...
... a goodbye

It's as though, from the dew on the blades of grass in front of me, to the chatter of the morning insects, and the cawing of the crow (which has been incessant for days,)... it's all TOO beautiful.

The grass is such an emerald green, the trees nearly matching in brilliance. Thy sky so pale, silver nearly, a contrast to the sun in its golden glory. The breeze is so sweet, so peaceful. Too peaceful. I feel so much dread despite this stunning beauty, or perhaps because of...
... it's as though I will never see nature in this exquisite state again.

Nature... at the epitome of her beauty, before complete destruction. Like the brilliant flash right before the instant that a light bulb dies...

I refuse to fight destiny. I did for so long, and it nearly broke me inside.

But I am so afraid...

What if I fail?
What if I am not strong enough to be what I need to be?
I am so terrified.

So humbled, that so much would be asked of me... because no matter the pain and sacrifice that will result, I am honored that I would be one of the ones that destiny "chose."

So what will be, will be.

But I am still so scared. I feel so insignificant, and weak, and unworthy.

And exhausted.

Where do I find the strength?

I get so much from you now... and how it happened, I don't know. But it scares me (repetitive, no?). What will happen when you are not there?

All I know... I need you so much, frighteningly so. I want to cling to you, to somehow will you next to me. Yet I am terrified that such a need will only drive you away. And you "away" would result badly at the moment, I fear.

Well, the insects have come to reclaim their territory.

Till later-

I love you.
Me.

Giving

2008-05-08T23:54:00.000-06:00

There are times that I wonder if I give too much. Others, I wonder if I give enough.

When I reach out, and essentially get my hand slapped away, I want to curl up, let go, and hide. Instead, the wall just builds.

In freeing others, this cage becomes more and more enclosed.

I want to help others, but I want the same given to me. It never is, I don't understand why, but it isn't. I try to open up, to let people be to me what I want to be for them.

But it isn't mutual.

Ok, I can accept that. I just wish that I could turn off this side of me that wants to be loved, and cared for as much as I love and care.

I don't want to be a martyr.

I don't want to be self-sacrificing.

I know who I am, what I am, but I just wish others would see it too.

All of me, the good and bad parts.

Yet, when they do, I push them away.

Why?

Crashing

2008-04-09T23:53:00.000-06:00

This dark place inside of my heart... I don't know whether it should be expressed, or left alone. Sometimes it feels like it will devour me, drive me to self-destruction, if left unexpressed. Yet, if not left alone, I am afraid that it will turn me into what I fear most, completely insane.

But perhaps... insanity is freedom.

As much as I desire freedom, I fear it. I want to be free, I want these walls down. But I don't know what's behind the walls. If I let these walls down, and find that all that is left is pieces of me... I don't have the strength to put myself back to together. And I fear that even the strongest people in my life don't have the ability, or even desire, to help me come back.

I don't think anyone would even realize that I was gone...

This is the place I fear most... this edge. I'm so deep inside that even the most diligent of people can't see me clearly. It's like everyone around me is moving in slow motion, or not moving at all, watching me fall apart, so quickly.

Four months of this, only four months.

Webs, walls, mazes, doors, locks, stairs, blocks... what have I done? What have I become?

Connections

2008-03-27T23:52:00.000-06:00

Interconnectivity.

An infinite connection through thoughts, experiences, and interests.

So no matter how alone you feel, the fact that you feel alone connects to you to a hundred other people that feel alone.

They are connected to another group of people through, say, vivid readers, who are also avid gamers, so on and so forth. It's an infinite line of connection, and suddenly it's easier to see the brotherhood of humanity.

But that connection becomes lost, and the lines become blurred when humans begin to think because of their extent of connections, or lack thereof makes them a superior being.

And in that idea alone, it creates a whole new line of connections.

You cannot escape it.

But you can find freedom in it.

The Cage and The Wave

2008-03-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

Abandoned.

Here I kneel, head bowed, the rough planks of the wood digging into the soft smooth skin of my knees, the tender palms of my hands.

My hair, tangled, untouched, falls over my face, protecting me from the glare of the salty sun.

I am abandoned, here.

I lift my eyes, glancing out towards the ocean between the dark heavy bars of my cage. There's a froth-rimmed wave, it's folding itself closer and closer to me, giving me the sense that it is unlike any other wave that has washed through the bars of the cage, and over my bruised skin.

I cower, pressing my burned skin against the sun-heated bars that line the back of the cage. A base, animalistic urge to scream floods me, but all that manages to escape it's way from my scratched dry throat is a whisper.

I am lost here.

Above me, gulls screech at each other, and perhaps at me. I half wonder if they will enjoy picking the flesh off my bones when I no longer have the will to frighten them off, no longer have the desire to keep the flesh wrapped around my heart.

I hear it, the wave, reaching for me. It whispers to me in a language of nature, one I don't understand, yet seems so familiar, as it slides across the sand, smoothing and breaking all at once.

I am trapped here.

The whisper becomes a low roar as the wave builds, and I try to stand, gripping the bars of the cage as my knees fight against me. I am overwhelmed by the thought that I must stand, and try to hide my fear, appear as though, even in my weakened state of being, I am a formidable opponent, and that the wave cannot consume me so easily.

And then it is upon me. In a whirl of foam, and sea, I feel my body giving way, all the strength from the fear of the past moments leaving me, letting me fall.

The salt burns against my wounded skin, and though it is painful, I begin to feel as though I am being cleansed.

All air is lost to the wetness that envelopes me, and the air in my lungs cause my chest to burn, more than the rays of the sun had ever done to my skin.

Then, it was gone, more suddenly than and with none of the fanfare of, it's arrival. I am left spent against the still warm bars of the cage, gasping, wheezing for air.

I am alone.

A low guttural moan forces it's way through my chest. I raise my head towards the sky, closing my eyes against the rays of brightness, and let the rage and regret twist my mouth into cries, so terrible, so relieving.

I had no longer let myself believe in a deity, yet I find myself begging, with unintelligible moans and grunts that have begun to flow from my dry mouth, for mercy. Begging the sun, the air, the universe...

...for mercy.

Please give me mercy.

Let me be free...

Poison Apple

2008-03-06T23:49:00.000-07:00

I am your poison apple.

Once you have a taste, you only crave more.

And as you savor my flesh, I am rushing through your blood, giving you the highest sense of pleasure...

...and then I stop your heart.

I am your poison apple.

Safety of the Cage VS The Danger of the Unknown

2008-03-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

When a single thought constantly rushes through your head, does it become more a priority, or does it cause you to begin to ignore it?

When your heart and your mind are in two separate places, which should you follow? What exactly does your heart know, why should that be your first choice?

If time doesn't matter than why is it so important, than why is it so important that I do things now?

I'm so hurt and confused by everything, and I don't know why. Things will never change as they are now, but I am still terrified of making the biggest change, even if for the better.

The past few years I have lost so much. I found a type of freedom, yes, but really it's just another cage, just bigger.

Perhaps that is all that life is... one cage after another. You go from childhood, usually a cage from lack of being able to experience free will, to the teenage years, a cage of hormones, and uncertainty. Then you continue on in to the adult years, which is "freedom" to most, but no one is really happy. Because it is still a cage. You have responsibilities and have to answer to your bosses, friends, everyone. You are obligated and guilted to be in yet another cage. The "Golden" years, are really more similar to those of the childhood cage. Again, controlled by those who think they know what is best for you.

How do you escape this cage? Is that all life will ever be, cage after cage? Is there more somewhere? Or do you only truly gain freedom after death?

Perhaps all these cages have doors that are open. We are just so blind to them, or perhaps choose not to see them, because if we go through the door, then we are considered crazy, or different. Humans fear what is different, and most of us only what to be loved, not feared, so we turn away from the door of freedom.

But if that door existed, what is beyond it? Perhaps that is the heaven that religion attempts to make so unobtainable, except through other people's rules and desires. What if heaven is simply freedom of the mind, of the soul, and we can experience that in life?

But what would stepping through that door entail? Giving up society? Not in the manner that religion tries to attempt, but rather...no longer having to answer to anyone. No priest or pastor, no husband, or parents, or boss.

Is that freedom though? Perhaps freedom itself is relative. Perhaps not answering to anyone, not having to converse, or please anyone unless I desired to do so, perhaps that is just my idea of freedom. Perhaps this is all my own prison, and no one else experiences it. It must be just my own head that knows these things, otherwise, why wouldn't more of an attempt be made to be free? Why wouldn't the world desire to be free?

Are we as humans afraid of freedom?

Biblical Israel demanded a king to rule over them, why? Were they afraid that left to their own wills, they would self-destruct? Perhaps they were just afraid that they would be seen as easier to kill, by the other kingdoms, easier to overtake.

But they gave up their freedom to be protected.

In my head, when I get lost, I am vulnerable, and perhaps easy to overtake. Would I give up that freedom to be safe? Would I take pills or shots in order to feel normal? I think I see the door to my cage, and the fact that I even have the ability to see it makes me feel crazy. The others, they don't see the door, they are normal, leading relatively happy lives. Would I allow myself to give up the little taste of freedom to feel safe, normal?

No. I don't think I would.

Fear

2008-01-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

I suppose in reality, the likelihood of you ever reading these thoughts is slim. But without my thoughts put into words, I am nothing. I have nothing.

I am at a point in my life in which I am terrified. When you're young, you never imagine that when your an adult you'll experience fear of change. You think you'll have all the answers, and know exactly what you want to do, where, and why.

That is the furthest thing from the truth.

Being an adult tends to complicate things. You have responsibilities, and even the free spirits tend to be set in their ways. Breaking habits, and fears, all born out of childhood experiences...it's next to impossible.

And I am definitely an adult, and most assuredly afraid.

Beginning

2007-10-08T23:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Daughter,

Someday I hope to actually let you read through these thoughts. Even though I have seemed to fail you in so many ways, I love you with all of my heart, and hopefully, after reading these random words from my mind, you'll get a glimpse of how much I truly do.

Despite what other's may tell you, I am your mother. It's not something that some paper with my signature can take away. No emotion is erasable with the swipe of a pen. I am, and always will be, your mother.

Also despite what people may mention, whether in passing, or in order to influence your feelings towards me, I never wanted to "give" you up. There were times that I did feel more strongly about it than other times, and it was in only moments of unsureness, and the fear of my parents, that I was convinced that you would be better off elsewhere, being raised by other people. Unfortunately, there were many of those moments.

No matter of what has happened in these past four years of your life, nor what may happen in the future, I will always love you, and you will always be a part of me.

They may take the child from the mother, but never the emotions.
Your mother,
AnnaGayle